


Weak at the Worst of Times

by karaokewally



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Trans Ed Nygma, Trans Male Character, a lot of it, fear toxin, please take this away before i hurt this poor boy more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 03:06:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14155308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karaokewally/pseuds/karaokewally
Summary: What does Ed see when Scarecrow gasses him? What does Ed Nygma, the infamous Riddler, fear? (ft. Trans Ed because it's midnight and I'm projecting onto him the poor soul)





	Weak at the Worst of Times

**Author's Note:**

> oof i wrote this without a clear plan and without a beta so i apologize. i'm also sorry this is Angsty because im emo for ed

The last thing he remembered was Oswald’s voice. He’d been pleading with someone, but the name was escaping Ed. Now everything around him was dark. No light, yet he’d could see just enough. It was light but dark at the same time, defying logic. Defying everything.

  
A sound like creaking caused him to snap his head to the left. There was a doorway there. Light filtered through the edges just enough to tell what it was. Ed knew something was wrong, but he was drawn to it. As he approached, it felt familiar. The door reminded him of something, someone. He didn’t know who.

  
Shakily, Ed reached out for the handle. It was cold, much colder than the – wherever Ed was. Breathing deep, he turned the handle. The door creaked open, slowly, into a bedroom. He stepped inside.

  
It was a relatively plain room, a bed – perfectly made, a desk – against the wall, a bookshelf – crumbling under the weight of what seemed to be hundreds of novels. On the opposite wall, a window opened out onto a street. Ed walked towards it, peering out at the road. He couldn’t see past the pavement, but he got a look into the yard. It was small, with grass more brown than green and a truck sitting in the driveway. Something didn’t feel right, but Ed couldn’t put his finger on it.

Turning away, Ed looked back towards the door he’d come through, but it was closed. He hadn’t remembered closing it. At the same moment he took a step towards the door, a sob come from his right. Another door sat in the wall, presumably to a closet.

  
The floor creaked underneath Ed’s feet, the sobs quieting as he moved towards the closet. He stopped a foot from the door, taking the handle. The sobs stopped, leaving him in utter silence, as he turned the knob. Steeling himself, he drew the door open.

  
Nothing was there but hanging clothes and a pair of glasses. He stooped to pick them up, dresses and blouses falling in his face. The frames were familiar and cracked.

Studying them, he lifted a hand to his own glasses. The same cracks appeared on them the second his fingers settled on the rims. He came to a sudden realization – they were his. Then, he was falling.

  
No, he wasn’t falling – was he? It seemed he was, yet his back was safely against the wall. The glasses had vanished from his hands. He was sitting partially covered by the clothes, the closet dark and door closed. Again he could hear the sobs. They were his as well – but the footsteps outside were not.

  
All at once Ed remembered why the room had seemed familiar. It had been his bedroom, back when he’d been young. Before Gotham, before the GCPD, before the Riddler. His origin story, almost. The place he’d been helpless.

  
The place he’d tried a desperate amount of times to hide from the world, from his father. From the man who claimed to be his dad, yet treated him as though he was less than dirt. And Ed knew, now, that same man was just outside. And there was nothing he could do to stop the oncoming assault. Because here, in this instant, he was that same young boy again – tiny Ed, too weird for friends, too different to be considered a real son. Not that his father had ever seen Ed as a son.

  
Ed’s heart was pounding in his chest, so hard it felt close to escaping. The floor creaked again, shadows visible through the crack under the door. The knob turned. A man stood in the doorway, only visible as an outline. Ed was sitting in his shadow, breathing hard.

  
“What have I told you about hiding from me?” The man snarled, reaching in and grabbing Ed by his shoulders. “Stupid kid, never listening to a damn thing I say. I’ve been calling you for the past five minutes, but where do I find you? Sniveling in the closet.”

  
Unable to move, unable to think, Ed just stares up at him. His father looks just like he did the day Ed left. The same lack of proper hygiene, the same stench of alcohol. The same heavy hands as he beat little Ed, who could do nothing but sob and suffer.

  
“The hell’s wrong with you? I thought I told you not to cry. Crying’s for the weak. And no daughter of mine is gonna be weak!”

  
Ed flinched before the punch even landed. It’d been so long – so, so long since he’d been called that. _Daughter_. He tried as hard as he could to block out the pain, block out what was happening. He couldn’t, not anymore. Once upon a time, it was so easy for him to slip away, let his body get hit and kicked while his mind was far off. Not this time.

  
The scene around him began to change, become more familiar. His bedroom melted away into the pier he’d stood on only days ago. His assailant disappeared. It was only himself, lying on the ground, in the spot that had caused so much pain throughout the past year. Bruised and sore, he barely managed to stand. Ed looked out across the river, for once grateful to be there. That feeling only lasted a moment.

  
A gun was cocked behind him. He turned, and choked back a sob.

  
“I can’t believe I thought I loved a freak like you,” Oswald said, disgust written across his face. A pistol was clenched in his hand, aimed at Ed. “The world will be so much better once you’re gone.”

  
“Oswald, please, I-“

  
“Don’t say my name. Just shut up, and die!” A gunshot echoed across the pier.

  
Oswald crumpled to the ground. The gun was hot in Ed’s palm. It took him a moment to process what had happened. It took him less time than that to run towards the other man.

  
Dropping to his knees, he cradled Os in his arms. The bullet had hit his abdomen, and he was already almost gone. Blood pooled out around him, soaking into Ed’s clothes as he held the man he loved close.

  
“Oswald I’m so- I’m so sorry. Just sta- stay with me, please, Os.” Ed pressed his hands to the wound, doing whatever he could to slow the flow of blood. He knew it was useless, but he had to do something. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean to, please, just- just-“

  
“I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you. I knew you’d turn around and betray me again. You stupid, evil back-stabber.” Oswald tried to push away from him, but he was too weak. “I should’ve killed you when I had the chance.”

  
“Oswald, please, I- I love you,” Ed was shaking as he cupped his face, blood smearing across Oswald’s cheeks.

  
“A psychopath like you can’t love anyone.”

  
A shadow fell over the two men, laughing. “God, you’ve been waiting a long time to do this, haven’t ya, Eddie?”

  
Ed looked up, his eyes meeting his own. Ed was used to coming face-to-face with himself at this point, though it usually only brought annoyance or anger along with it. This time, however, when he looked at his evil alter ego, standing there laughing at his pain, he felt terrified.

  
“Oh come on, what’s that look for? It’s not like this is the first time you’ve tried to kill him.” The Riddler rolled his eyes, crouching down so he was eye level with Ed. “Also not the first time you’ve killed someone close to you.”

  
“Shut up.” Ed muttered, trying to focus his attention back on helping Oswald. “Stay with me, Os.”

  
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work, somehow.” The Riddler replied, poking at Oswald’s chest. He was barely breathing, but still trying to fight against Ed. “This one’s more stubborn than Kristen, I’ll give him that. Might as well put him out of his misery.”

  
Ed could only open his mouth in the beginning of a shout when the Riddler shot Oswald in the head with the same pistol Ed had used. He stared in shock at the dead, blue eyes of the one person that meant everything to him.

  
“Finally, am I right?” The Riddler laughed, blood splattering both him and Ed slightly. “God that guy took forever to die.”

  
“’That guy,’” Ed forced out, “was the man I- you- we loved!” He was on his feet in the next instant, the Riddler copying his movements.

  
“Correction: you loved him. Annnd, you killed him. Funny how we come full circle every time.” Ed’s alter ego smiled, forcing Ed’s mouth into a smile with his fingers. “You should be used to it by now. You can’t love anything. Death follows you around. At this point, there’s only one thing you can do to stop it.”

  
Ed knew what the Riddler was talking about, because he’s thought of it numerous times throughout his life – through his childhood, after Kristen, after Isabella, when he came out of the ice with a useless brain. The gun was pressed into his palm, and without thinking he accepted it, the metal still warm.  
“Look at how far you’ve fallen. Father was always right, Ed, you are weak. Weak and pathetic.”

  
Ed pushed his glasses up his nose, Oswald’s blood smudging the lens. He took them off and dropped them to the ground. “Maybe I am. But at least this will stop you as well.”

  
He pressed the gun against his head, hand shaking to the point where he could barely hold it. Ed knew he had to do it – hell, he wanted to do it – but he was still terrified. Shooting himself was just another way of avoiding what he’d done. But he couldn’t face the consequences, not without Oswald.

  
With one look back at Oswald’s lifeless body, Ed pulled the trigger.

 

\--

 

He woke with a start, panting as he shot out of bed. Ed was drenched in sweat and trembling, eyes darting around the room. He wasn’t dead. He was still alive. And he was in his room – his current room, at the Van Dahl estate. He was so in shock, he didn’t notice Oswald sitting in the chair a few feet away.

  
“Ed! You’re awake!”

  
Ed’s head snapped to the owner of the voice, staring in disbelief. His mouth was dry, he couldn’t find words, he could only stare as Oswald moved closer to him. Oswald reached out his hand, trying to steady the frazzled man, but Ed stepped back, trying to put more distance between them.

  
“Ed, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” There was genuine concern in Oswald’s voice, which Ed was surprised at. Os had just tried to shoot him mere moments ago, hadn’t he? But then he’d-

  
“Y-you died.” It was all he could say. His mind was too stressed to properly process the situation at hand. It was too overwhelmed by the heartbreak he’d felt when the bullet had pierced Oswald’s skull. “I killed you.”

“What are you talking about, Ed?” Oswald kept moving closer, worried. “I’m right here, see?” He reached out and put his hand on Ed’s arm. Ed flinched but didn’t move. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I- I shot-“ No, no there was something he was missing, there was something that happened before. “You. You were arguing with someone. And- and then I was – Os I was so scared.”

Tears pricked his vision, spilling out down his cheeks. He fell back onto the bed, Oswald sitting beside him. He didn’t fight it when Oswald pulled him close and wrapped his arms around him. As weak as it made him feel, he broke into sobs, grabbing onto Os like a lifeline.

“Valeska and his maniacs came by, trying to get me to help them.” Oswald began, rubbing circles on Ed’s back. “I told them to fuck off, but then you’d walked in and Crane gassed you. That gas, it shows people their worst fears. He must’ve… changed it since it was used on me. Made it more powerful." He took a deep, angry breath. "I’m gonna kill them. I’ll kill every one of those assholes for doing this to you.”

“I- I saw my dad, and you. And- and myself.” Ed pulled away from Oswald, rubbing a hand over his face. “You tried to shoot me, but I shot you first. And then you- then you died and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I was so, so scared. I don't want- I _can't_ lose you. I'm so sorry, Os.”

“Shh, shhh, you have nothing to be sorry for. I’m right here, you see? I’m perfectly fine.” Putting his hands on Ed’s shoulders, he looked deep into his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? And neither are you, you hear me? We’re long past that.”

“There’s- there’s one more thing, Os.” Ed took a shuddering breath, terrified but knowing he couldn’t keep this to himself any longer. “I- I love you.”  
Oswald was silent for a moment, and in that moment Ed regretted every decision he’d made that lead him to this point. Os was going to reject him, laugh at him. He couldn’t take that right now. He didn’t know what he’d do. Finally, Oswald pulled him close again.

“I love you, too.”

Their lips met, finally, and Ed knew that everything would be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> please drop a comment if thats your thing and yeah i apologize again for being so emo


End file.
